I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
