he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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