respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
My balls are so social today.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
