...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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