Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My cat gives me a boner
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Dear god my vagina.
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