My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
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The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
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I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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