Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
