I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
