You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
