All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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