Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
