Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
