I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize