No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
