I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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