I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
