I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
