closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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