maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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