just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
