Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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