She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
