if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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