My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
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I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
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