Ketchup is God's man juice
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
