I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
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