I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
