I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
