and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Randomize
