come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I enjoy the company of your penis
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
