This is not my ceiling
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
