You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
