In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
