did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
