dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
