I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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