So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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