His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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