i think i have two assholes
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
