I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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