um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
