she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
