Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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