I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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