i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
