Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i drank out of a bidet.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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