I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Randomize
