she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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