dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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