Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
