Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
