hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
