So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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