I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
