I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
