the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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