Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
