How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize