I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
We need to get me chipped asap
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
