Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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