my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
