Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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