Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
