god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
